Dear Diary
by Lilalien
Summary: Updated and Revised. Deals with Scully's and Mulder's feelings for eachother and they release their tensions in their diary and journal entries.


Title: Dear Diary (Revised and Updated)  
  
Author: Lilalien (formerly Little Strange Alien)  
  
Category: MSR- G  
  
Disclaimer: Of course they're not mine .. You know the drill by now... the awesome Chris Carter..1313 Productions.. FOX ...etc  
  
Distribution: Please contact me first if u want to put it anywhere...thanx .  
  
Summary: As mentioned before, this deals with Mulder and Scully's feelings and desires for each other and the manner which they release this tensions through their journal and diary entries.  
  
Feedback: Please!! Contact me at Mercury7116@cs.com or Lilalien@kiwibox.com   
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Dear Diary  
  
June 21st 2000  
  
Dear Diary,  
So here I am on a train to Italy! Of all places. I don't know what the hell brought me here but I'm here. What  
  
have I done? I don't know what I was thinking. I just simply left everything behind ... Mulder... the X-files. I   
  
think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. But I just have to be strong... just think that Dana ... you've   
  
done it before and you can do it now. I can't turn back now. I swore to myself that I'd make a change and this  
  
is the only way I know how ... at least for now. Everything was too much for me. My cancer made me think about  
  
life more carefully. I know that there are things that I want to do with my life that I just haven't had the time  
  
to do yet. I've always wanted to be a mother but when I found out that I wouldn't be able to conceive any  
  
children it literally tore me up inside even though I never ever let my feelings show, not even to Mulder. I saw  
  
how much he longed to comfort me after Emily's death but I was too strong-willed and stubborn to let him. I'd  
  
give him my famous "I'm fine" and "Don't worry" lines but the truth was I truly needed him. So time passed and  
  
the wounds from Emily's death were starting to heal. I had let myself take care of them on my own without  
  
Mulder's help. I was so close to giving into him back then. And now a couple years later, I realized that he was  
  
getting too close. It literally terrified me how close he was getting. There would be moments where I would just   
  
look into his beautiful charming hazel-green eyes and see the love just reflect off of them. It was incredible. He   
  
was the only one I could do that with.... read his mind. I thought to myself "What an intense connection".   
  
Sometimes, afterwards I would even have such an intense urgency to just take him in my arms and tell him "I   
  
love you too". Of course, not in a million years would I let that actually happen. I value our friendship and I   
  
cherish what we have now. Wow... it's really raining outside. I don't really mind it anyway I find rain to be   
  
peaceful and I love the soft trickle it makes against my window. What this all comes down to is I left because I   
  
want a new beginning for myself. I want to start over fresh. I want to know that monsters won't attack me or   
  
that I won't die the next moment. Escaping gunshots... it all came to be too much for me. The only downside to   
  
this is that I left Mulder without a warning or a "good-bye". The only person I told was Skinner when I turned in   
  
my resignation form. He, of course, was surprised by my abrupt decision. I told him that I needed a new life   
  
beyond the FBI and he kindly understood. Not even my own mother knew about this but I'll tell her as soon as I   
  
get to Italy. Hey, Who am I kidding? There was another reason I left I wanted to run away from my feelings   
  
for Mulder. I didn't want to confront them so I just left. So I'm off to Italy where I'm going to stay with a   
  
few distant relatives for awhile and then I'll get my own place. I'm going to get a job as a medical doctor. For   
  
now, those are my plans. There's someone knocking at my door...  
  
Scully  
***************************************************************************  
June 22nd 2000  
  
Dear Journal,  
  
I can't believe this! I just found out that Scully left the Bureau. Skinner told me this morning when I got to my   
  
office. When he told me. It extremely shocked me. She never even mentioned anything about leaving. she would   
  
have told me. Why did she do this? I will find her. I have to because I don't know if I want to lose her just yet.   
  
She needs to know that I love her. That she's everything to me. Why did this have to happen? Everything was   
  
going smoothly. Life was normal. Now she does something like this. Just when I thought I was getting really close   
  
to her. She was almost ready to let me comfort her pain that she's let grow inside of her over all the years. Now   
  
I've missed the chance to make that happen. No way is she leaving me just yet. I'm not going to let her leave me.   
  
I've already let too many people leave me... Samantha, my mom, and my dad. No... not her.. not Scully. She's the   
  
one I'm determined to keep. Among all the jewels, she's the diamond I'm not going to lose. Tomorrow I'm going  
  
to try her Mom...maybe I'll find some answers through her. Until then, I'm going to try and get some sleep if any   
  
at all.  
  
  
Mulder  
***************************************************************************  
June 22nd 2000  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I arrived in Rome this morning. I never realized how beautiful a place could be. My relatives live just off the   
  
Tiber River, which is absolutely exquisite. From a far off distance I can see Saint Peter's Basilica. It's   
  
absolutely enchanting. Rome's skyline reveals the tips of Italy's old-fashioned architectural domes and churches,   
  
which have been beautifully preserved. Its almost as if the city   
  
was never touched at all. So, as I finish taking in the Roman scenery I've decided to further establish my   
  
education in medicine. My relatives are advising me that the University of Rome is a perfect school to consider.   
  
"It is known as one of the best institutions of higher learning in the world" which is how they put it. With that,   
  
how can I not say no? Anyway, it seems perfect for me. I'll specialize in medicine and afterwards I can get a job   
  
as a steady-working medical doctor in one of the nearby hospitals. Since I already have master's degree which is   
  
equivalent to the laurea, which is common here. I'll only attend for two years or so. It'll be beneficial for me   
  
anyway and it'll increase my chances of getting a great job. I'm really proud of myself for making this change   
  
and for now I don't regret it. I'm sure I will later but right now I'm happy and I guess that's all that matters. Of   
  
course, Mulder hasn't slipped my mind for a second. Ever since I got here I've been thinking about him. He's   
  
invaded my dreams and my mind. It's absolutely insane. I have to admit to myself that I miss him. I miss his   
  
candid jokes and remarks he'd make at me during certain moments in our conversations. I miss how I'd used to   
  
be able to gaze at his soft tousled brown hair. I miss his clever smile he'd give me sometimes for no purpose at   
  
all. I miss the touch of his hand on my back when he'd guide us into a room. I have to stop doing this. I came here   
  
to forget and that is what I am going to try to do. Anyway, It's for the best I always felt that I was holding   
  
Mulder back in our work with the X-Files because I was not the believer that he so passionately was. I   
  
sometimes wonder that if I hadn't become Mulder's partner so many years back that maybe he would have found   
  
a partner that was a true believer. Maybe he would have gotten so much further. I'm so confused about   
  
everything. I need some sleep. It's almost 1:00 in the morning. I'm going to call my Mom tomorrow. I had too much   
  
on my mind today and it was hectic settling in and everything.   
  
Scully  
***************************************************************************  
June 23rd, 2000  
  
Dear Journal,  
  
There was no luck taking to Scully's Mom. She has no idea where Scully is. I was really hoping that I found out   
  
something through her but I haven't found any clues. Scully's Mom seemed really worried so I'm sure she's not   
  
lying to me. She assured me that she knew nothing so I had to believe her. I've tried talking to her landlord and   
  
he told me that she didn't bother leaving a forwarding-address. Skinner told me that she didn't mention about   
  
where she was going. But I did find something this morning when I was rummaging through some papers. I went   
  
through the whole office in hope of finding anything. I even went through her garbage where I found a travel   
  
brochure promoting a trip to Europe. Inside she had circled the special priced trip for Italy. It's the only thing   
  
that was circled throughout the whole brochure so that has to be where she was headed for. I went to all the   
  
airline ticket agencies that I could think of. I told them that I was an FBI agent looking for missing person that   
  
was involved in one of our crucial files. So they gave them all the information they had to flights to Italy. It   
  
took me hours to search through every single passenger list and I found nothing at all. Then I realized that she   
  
could have taken another means of transportation. The train was my next guess. So again I went through all the   
  
passenger lists. My heart was pounding throughout that whole time. I was wanting and hoping to find the name I   
  
loved so much. There it was, Dana Katherine Scully. I've never been so relieved and happy to see such a beautiful   
  
name. At least now I know that I have a path to finding her. I booked a flight to Italy for 6:30 am tomorrow   
  
morning. It was the earliest I could get. I called Scully's Mom telling her where I was going and her voice over   
  
the phone gave me the feeling that she had as many hopes as I did. I'll be with you soon Scully.  
  
Mulder  
***********************************************************************************   
June 24th 2000  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I went down to the University to apply for the courses that I wanted and while I was there I met the most   
  
captivating, charming and pleasant man that I have ever met .His name was Robert Delpezzo. He was the pure   
  
definition of the "tall, dark and handsome" type. We started talking and he asked me out for lunch. We went to   
  
small place near the Trevi fountain. The food was delicious. This was one of those times where I thought "why   
  
not indulge myself?" instead of picking the usual salad or health food plate. So I had chicken manicotti with a   
  
glass sparkling red wine. It was one of the best dishes I've had. We talked as we ate and he started to talk   
  
about how he had spent his whole life in Italy. His parents had spent their whole lives there and he had also been   
  
raised there. Rome had been his home throughout his childhood through the present. He grew up and now his   
  
parents urged him to pursue a degree in medicine. The best place that could fulfill this task was the University   
  
of Rome. As much as he was nagged by his parents he agreed. He was not the only child in his family, in fact, he   
  
had a little sister, a year younger. Her name was Gigi and the two of them were very close. He protected her as   
  
any big brother would. I understood that sort of relationship growing up with brothers of my own. He was witty,   
  
intelligent and almost perfect in every way possible. As we talked I couldn't help but feel attracted to him. I   
  
warned myself against him. "Don't fall for him" I kept telling myself. Then he told me how he had loved traveling   
  
and how he had seen most of Europe. He had seen Spain, England, France and most of Europe. It was one of his   
  
passions. But the odd thing was he had never had the chance to see the United States. But now that he had met   
  
me that he would definitely have to add the US to places he needed to see. We left the restaurant and he   
  
walked me home. He gave me a charismatic smile and told me he would call me. Yes indeed I had given him my   
  
phone number. A part of me wanted so much for him to call. While the other part just wanted him to leave me   
  
alone. Suddenly, thoughts of Mulder raced through my head. The whole point to come here had been to get him   
  
out of my head and now all that I could think about was him. I was determined to win this battle against Mulder   
  
even if it was just in my head.  
  
Scully  
***************************************************************************  
June 25th 2000  
  
5:00 pm   
  
Dear Journal,  
  
The flight over here was absolutely awful and painstakingly long. It was one of the worst that I had been on.   
  
The service had been had been fine and the food was pretty good but the wait was absolutely frustrating and   
  
uncomfortable. I could only think of Scully. Questions came up in my head, where was she exactly? Did she know   
  
that I loved her more than anything and that her resignation hurt me? What was she doing? Why had she done   
  
it? These questions would be left unanswered until I actually found her. The search was going to be easy but I   
  
was prepared for what lay in store. I was after all Mulder. I believed in truth and in her. I booked a hotel in   
  
Rome. If she wasn't in the capital than I had no idea where else she could be. I checked all the hotels in Rome. It   
  
took an eternity and my finger was numb from dialing so many numbers. Nothing. Now I'm in my own hotel and   
  
my eyes are bloodshot. I need a nap.   
  
  
Mulder  
***********************************************************************************  
June 26th 2000  
  
  
2:00 am   
  
Couldn't sleep once again. I need to know where she is. I can try public records in the morning maybe she's   
  
staying with some relatives. I just want to find her soon. Going to watch some tv to help me sleep.   
  
  
Mulder  
  
***********************************************************************************  
  
June 26th 2000  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Robert called me this morning we're having breakfast at a small cafe in town he knows. He called so soon. I was   
  
really surprised. I'm not used to things moving so fast. Maybe it just me. I'm used to guys moving slowly. I really   
  
like Robert and maybe I'm ready for things to go fast. Mom called too. I told her about Robert and how much I   
  
like him. She likes him too, through the descriptions I gave her. "He seems like a charming fellow", Mom said. I'm   
  
glad she likes him and it's always a good sign. I have to run if I want to meet Robert on time.   
  
  
Scully  
***************************************************************************  
  
June 26 1000  
  
10:00 pm   
  
Dear Journal,  
  
The light at the end of the tunnel. I went through public records. I just used my FBI status to let me through. I   
  
found something, which gave me hope. There is an Albert and a Francis Scully living in Rome. The only ones. They   
  
have to be related to my Scully. I phoned the number and got a woman who spoke frantic Italian to me. I asked   
  
her about Dana and she did seem to say that she knew her. Her tone changed to a friendlier one after that so I   
  
felt relieved. They gave me their address after I told them that I was a friend of their   
  
niece's. At last I was going to see her. I was terrified but hopeful at the same time.   
  
I told them that I would come by later that next day.  
  
Mulder  
  
***********************************************************************************  
June 27th 2000  
  
Dear Diary,   
  
Robert was just a pleasure at breakfast. We spent the whole day together and I felt that I knew him all my life.   
It was strange because I had never felt this way about anyone not even Mulder. I don't even want to mention   
him. He showed me more of the City and the ancient ruins. I saw the coliseum and the ruins of the Roman Empire   
and St. Peter's Basilica. Rome is absolutely gorgeous. We said goodnight as he led to me to my home. He kissed me   
gently and it was sweet. I didn't feel threatened by it for some reason. I guess maybe because it was only a   
tender kiss. What is happening? Am I really falling for him? I can't think straight ever since I got here and met   
him. I need to talk to someone. I'd go to Mulder but he's the whole reason I'm here. Mom, she'll know what to tell   
me. She always does.  
  
Scully  
***************************************************************************   
June 28 2000  
  
Dear Journal,  
  
What a day! I met Scully's relatives and they seemed like really nice people. I went right down to business and   
asked them if they knew where scully was. Their looks on their faces told me that they did know. But they   
refused to tell me. I gave them one more chance to tell me the truth. I looked them in the eye and told them how   
I felt about her and how special she was too me. They looked back at me and finally gave in. "She's staying with   
us but at the moment she's out", they told me. When those words hit me, instantly I felt relieved and sheer   
happiness. Finally, I had found her. Am I ready to do this? Am I ready to pour my heart out to her and do this? I   
can't do this. Should I let time pass? Well, we'll see what happens.   
  
Mulder   
  
***********************************************************************************  
June 29 2000  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Today was one of the most difficult days of my life. It was confusing, unpredictable, and complex. Late this   
afternoon someone came to see me. I was sure it was Robert because we had planned to go out again. I was   
really looking forward to it and I really went all out for him. For some reason he made feel different and I   
wanted to look gorgeous for him. So I had on a long black velvet dress on with spaghetti straps. I decided to   
keep my hair down. I had my gold cross on as usual. I felt great. Usually, I'll be the first one to wear jeans and a   
tee-shirt besides work clothes. But tonight, I wanted to feel desirable. I opened the door and who else was in   
the doorway but Mulder. He had found me. I couldn't believe it. I was speechless. I felt awful at that moment. I   
felt so guilty and now I had to face him with the truth. I had to look into those seductive hazel eyes of his and   
tell him everything. I'll have to tell him my reasons that I resigned and left him. He didn't look mad just happy.   
Finally, he managed to form a smile and he hugged me tightly. "I'm so happy to see you Scully" he told me. I   
couldn't say a word I was still numb from shock. We talked everything out and at times I almost cried but I   
wouldn't go that far. I wouldn't let him see my pain. He told me that he loved me and that he had missed me so   
much. When he told me that I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted him to leave me alone. First I told him that   
I only saw him as a friend and it was nothing more. I was lying through my teeth but it was the only way that he   
would leave me alone. I told him that I thought if best that he leave. He gave me look of disbelief. He knew I   
was lying but he granted my wish. He left and closed the door behind him. It was over. My best friend was gone.   
A little bit after that Robert came and we still went out. He suspected something was wrong but didn't question   
me about it. I came back home and went right to bed. I needed to sleep. I needed peace. The tears would stop   
then and my pain would go away. Then and only then could I dream of him and escape my grief.  
  
Scully  
  
***************************************************************************  
June 30 2000  
  
Dear Journal,  
  
I don't understand anything anymore. Everything has just fallen apart. She just told me to leave just like that.   
Without any explanation she just rejected me. I could see it in her eyes though. I know she loves me. She just   
isn't ready to admit to me yet. She lets her stubbornness and determination keep that wall between us still. I   
sometimes wonder if she'll ever let it down. I tried my best and failed. I can't do much more. I can't force   
anyone. I'm leaving back to DC today. Skinner will be furious with me for not telling him where I was. But he's   
used to it by now and when I tell him where I was I'm sure he'll stop hounding me. Italy was beautiful. I didn't   
get to see much of it but it is truly breathtaking. Scully I'll always love you and I know you do to. It hurts too   
much to think about right now.  
  
Mulder   
*************************** THREE YEARS LATER***********************************  
  
January 5, 2003   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Life here is absolutely amazing. I feel happy here. I really do. Things are just perfect. I finished my studies at   
the University of Rome. I have a job at a great hospital nearby. They were very impressed with my résumé and   
hired me on the spot. Working there is different. I mean I'm glad I don't have to see the paranormal anymore   
and have to make unusual autopsies anymore but at the same time I miss it. I have to stop this. I am not going to   
think about this. Robert and I got engaged. I love him. We're getting married in February. Finally, I'll be able to   
start a family of my own. It's been something I've been waiting for, for a long time. For the first time in my life   
I feel truly happy.   
  
Scully  
***************************************************************************  
March 10, 2003  
  
Dear Journal,  
  
I feel good today. Andrea is so wonderful. I can't imagine that I ever lived without her. My wife. I can actually   
call her that now. She was now "my wife" or Mrs. Mulder. I can call myself a married man now. Work is good and   
I'll never stop my search for the truth. Never. That is a promise I made myself when I started the x-files and my   
search for Samantha. I still can't get used to having a whole office to myself. That sounds strange.. it is my   
office after all but it's true. I still think about her sometimes. I wonder where she is and if she's happy. I hope   
that someone is fortunate enough to make her happy and who truly loves her.  
  
All I know is that I'm lucky to be married to such a great woman who appreciates me.  
  
Mulder  
***********************************************************************************  
May 20 2003   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Is it possible to be in love with someone so much? To love every little detail about them, even their faults. That   
has to be true love. The wedding was spectacular. The most exciting day of my life. Mom was crying just like I   
had expected her too. If only dad could have seen me. He would have been proud. He looked so handsome in his   
tux. He kept tugging at his tie. It was adorable. We danced and had the time of our lives. It was "our" day and   
nothing would ruin in. This place, is a mess. I knew he was messy but I didn't know that he was this messy. Look   
at this place. Pizza boxes here and there, Chinese food cartons, empty sunflower seed bags, and sci-fi   
magazines. I can't believe it. I seriously need to clean this place up. Breakfast at Tiffany's is on the floor.   
Mulder knows that I can't stand it when this place gets too messy that I can't even see the floor. Well I asked   
for him and all his traits and now I have it. I seriously have to talk to him about this. I'll give him a good warning.   
I can never get mad at him at least not seriously.I can't believe how these last ten days have been so hectic. I   
never imagined that my whole life would have changed just in those days. It filled the void of loliness I had been   
  
feeling for some time. I knew that it was Mulder ,it had been Mulder for many years and now this was making   
  
our bond stronger. Thank God those days came because if they hadn't I probably would have made the worst   
mistake of my life.   
  
Scully  
  
** I'm thinking about doing a sequel to explain the occurings of those 10 days. What do you think?Feedback!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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